Mercury in Retrograde

While I take no claim to being an expert on astrology or astronomy. I have studied this particular phenomenon to some degree as I find it quite fascinating. Have you noticed recently, in a general way, "things" feel a bit out of sorts? Your physical energy might feel a bit wonky, fatigued, sluggish. You may be noticing a shift in how you communicate with others and how people communicate back. Do you feel like your state of mind has moved into a more depriving manner? When you are traveling, does it seem to take you longer than usual to get to your intended destination? And lets talk about why your computer keeps crashing or car is not working the way you would expect. You may be wondering about some of these things right now. How do I know this? No I am not a mind reader but I do believe in the power of universal forces like the sun, the moon, the planets and how they relate to us. So what do the planets have to do with why it took you 8 hours to get to grandma's house for Christmas this year instead of the usual 4 , or why your car is stalled out, or why your cell phone not working like you would expect? It may have everything to do with a special time in the zodiac known as Mercury in retrograde.

The term retrograde is from the Latin word retrogradus–"backward-step". The affix retro- meaning backwards and gradi step or to go. Retrograde is most commonly an adjective used to describe the path of a planet as it travels through the night sky, with respect to the zodiac, stars, and other bodies of the celestial embodiment. In this context, the term refers to planets as they appear from Earth, to briefly stop and reverse direction at certain times, though in reality they perpetually orbit in the same uniform direction. So no, the planets are not actually moving in the reverse direction. In fact, scientist at NASA refer to this as "apparent retrograde motion".

Although planets can sometimes be mistaken for stars as we observe the night sky, the planets actually change position from night to night in relation to the stars. Retrograde (backward) and prograde (forward) are observed as though the stars revolve around the earth. Like the sun, the planets appear to rise in the East and set in the West. When a planet travels eastward in relation to the stars, it is called prograde. When the planet travels westward in relation to the stars (opposite path) it is called retrograde.

So what about all these inconvenient mishaps taking place with communication, travel, and electrical? Each planet has its own retrograde phase. Some occur more frequently than others depending on the planet and at different times. According to the zodiac, planets also contain certain dominating characteristics. For example, the planet Mars is believed to rule physical energy and efforts. He expresses the strength and direction of the physical force that drives your ego and your will to achieve. Venus, rules feelings and emotion, aesthetics and tastes, relationships, fashions and all forms of desire, money and wealth. She governs romance, marriage and other partnerships, capacity for humor, and the pursuit of pleasure. Of course none of this really means anything if you choose not to believe it means anything. However when we look at the planet Mercury and its effects the connection appears to be to coincidental.

In general when Mercury is direct it rules thinking and perception, processing and disseminating information and all means of communication, commerce, education and transportation. By extension, Mercury rules people who work in these areas, especially those who work with their minds such as teachers, writers, and politicians.

Mercury retrograde gives rise to personal misunderstandings; flawed, disrupted, or delayed communications, negotiations and trade; glitches and breakdowns with phones, computers, cars, buses, and trains. These problems usually arise because some crucial piece of information, or component, has gone astray or awry.

As you can see it may not be wise to make important decisions while Mercury is retrograde, since it is likely that such decisions will be clouded by misinformation, poor communication and careless thinking. Mercury is all about mental clarity and the power of the mind, so when Mercury is retrograde these intellectual characteristics tend to be less acute than usual, as the critical faculties are dimmed. Make sure you pay attention to the small print!

Once you become aware of this phenomena it always kind of stays with you. In fact I usually discover it intuitively. This current retro period is no different. I recall explaining to my wife during the shadow phase, the week or two prior to the retrograde, that I had been feeling different. Mentally more than physically I was noticing great shifts in how I was relating to certain aspects of my life. Weeks prior to this I had been in a very productive energetic state. Projects would arise and I would feverishly complete them. Soon though I consciously noticed that vigor had fizzled a bit. I wondered about this. Rather than waking at 5 AM to write for this blog or work on my website, or work on my book, I felt naturally more inclined to take a few extra minutes under the covers!

I have found that the real conflict about this time is the inability to accept what is and have it be OK, or better yet to be OK with it. Do we always need to be working at such a feverish pace? When those times arise and the energy is moving freely in that direction, we can appreciate it. At the same time we need to have some space to step back and to observe what we have created. Further, I see it more of a practice, if you will, to be able to sit back and relax into a change in flow. This is a practice because for many of us we are programmed through our surroundings to maintain a continuous go cycle. It takes a conscious awareness to notice this pattern, to accept it as the current circumstance, and to then direct it in a way that may be more empowering to us. I am finding from a series of recent personal events that I am more open to this now than ever and thankfully so. I can taste the ebb and flow of my process and can appreciate what each wave has to offer. After all it is all part of the same ocean. The ocean of LIFE.

CODEX Alimentarius

As a student of LIFE my interest in health and well being grows everyday. This influences the choices I make about what I put into my body and how I choose to care for myself. The last several months has showed me how important it is to be your own advocate especially when it relates to your health. Unfortunately, many people do not want to make those decisions for themselves. They give their real power over to mega industry and corrupt governmental agencies under the guise that will be the best option or in some cases the only option they have. Please do not mistake what I am saying. I do strongly believe we need to make responsible choices about our health, whatever that may entail. Ultimately the choice is ours, or is it?

It's amazing how we are living in the ultimate paradox. The world is absolutely out of control. Do I need to give you examples? The gloom and doom of the planet is inescapable, especially when those are the dominating images that fill our newspapers, televisions, and magazines. Right now as an American citizen reading this you have a choice, you have lots of choices in fact, especially when it comes to your health. You are consciously and unconsciously making choices about your health everyday. Creating a wealth of health is a choice. One that you get to freely make everyday. It is your real freedom. But what if one day that was taken away from you? What if someone decided that you could not make free decisions about how you care for yourself. What If "they" put a ban on vitamins, minerals, supplements, massage, acupuncture, chiropractics etc. You would say, "You're crazy Jahvocado, what are you talking about!" What if all herbs, vitamins and minerals were restricted to such ridiculously low levels of absorption that they would have little to no effect positive or negative to the body. You might laugh. I did. In fact, as I am writing this I am still in awe by the potential of this lunacy. Vitamins are poisons, are you kidding me?

I will preface the remainder of this entry by stating that this is only my interpretation of the information I have learned about one of the most tyrannical schemes ever. According to a large powerful group of investors vitamins are toxic and all your food, including and especially organic should be irradiated with toxic chemicals, and all your meat should contain Monsanto's bovine growth hormone. But you can't take vitamins, herbs, or minerals because they may harm you! It's being called Nutricide but is more formally known as the CODEX Alimentarius. Under this rule the above and way more puts your, mine and the health of our children and loved ones at dire risk. I did not make any of this up! Why would I? Needless to say I was tremendously disturbed when I learned about what I am going to continue share with you.

To help illustrate the absurdity of this global disaster I have taken excepts from Dr. Rima Laibow's website, HealthFreedomUSA.org. There is quite a bit of information on the subject and it can feel a bit overwhelming for sure. I am asking that you at least ask yourself what your freedom of health is really worth to you and your family. You probably don't think about it because at this point you may not need to so exclusively. But what if someone did want to jeopardize and control the choices you make about your health. I'll conclude by saying there are very few world, cultural, or governmental issues that would inspire me to take the time to express my utter vehemence. Please make your voice heard. Sign the petition to eradicate CODEX Alimentarius. It's simple and takes 30 seconds. http://www.healthfreedomusa.org/?page_id=184

Some things you should know about CODEX Alimentarius*

1. Consumer Protection? Unfortunately Not The first step to understanding Codex Alimentarius is to realize that it has absolutely nothing to do with “consumer protection”. That’s propaganda for the sake of getting people and Congress to yield to its implementation.

2.Meaning of Name and History of Organization “Codex Alimentarius” means “food rules” in Latin. The organization was born in 1962 when the UN established the Codex Alimentarius Commission (CAC) as a “Trade Commission”. It was created to regulate, and thus control, every aspect of how food and nutritional supplements are produced and sold to the consumer. It is solely about trade and the profits of multi-national corporations.

3.Bolstering Profits of Pharmaceutical Industry The more natural health products people use, the fewer drugs they use. Millions are turning to natural health. Big Pharma fears this as it would diminish profits. Codex is designed to protect Big Pharma profits by eliminating natural health products and treatments. Health food stores and wellness companies would be hit hard.

4.Codex Alimentarius is Unscientific Codex is unscientific because it classifies nutrients as toxins and uses “Risk Assessment” to set ultra low so-called “safe upper limits” for them. Risk Assessment is a branch of Toxicology, the science for assessing toxins. The proper science for assessing nutrients is Biochemistry. Codex does not use Biochemistry.

5.VMG: Banning Our Supplements Codex is made up of many standards for every aspect of food. One of these standards was ratified (approved) in July 2005: the destructive Codex Alimentarius Vitamin and Mineral Guideline (VMG). The VMG can ban all high potency and clinically effective vitamins & minerals. For example, Vitamin C would be restricted to only a few milligrams per dose. Other nutrients, such as amino acids, are also under threat.

6.DSHEA, Our Best Legal Defense The U.S. has a powerful legal tool for health freedom: the Dietary Supplement Health and Education Act (DSHEA), passed in 1994 after massive grass-roots action. DSHEA scientifically classifies nutritional supplements as food and prevents dosage restrictions; Codex unscientifically classifies them as toxins and sets ultra-low doses. The VMG violates U.S. law because it violates DSHEA. We must unite to protect DSHEA, our best legal defense against Codex.

7. Call to Action Thanks to the Internet, millions of health conscious Americans can unite to protect health freedom from Codex Alimentarius. We have the power to turn Codex into a blessing if all of us in the natural health community use it to get active, get organized, and stand up for health freedom. Together, we will let Big Pharma know that we see through their deception and will protect our access to natural health care. *The above notes were drawn from HealthFreedomUSA.org. To read more about CODEX and the work of Dr. Rima Laibow, the leading voice in dismantling this potentially destructive human genocide please check out HealthFreedomUSA.org.

Please sign the petition and make your voice known. http://www.healthfreedomusa.org/?page_id=184

Please watch this video about CODEX.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmrF9KjlGsc

The Art of Adaptation

On Friday October 23rd I was admitted to the hospital to receive a course of IV Acyclovir, a powerful antiviral medication used in this case, to treat a rare condition of the eye called ARN - Acute Retinal Necrosis. The standard method of pharmacological treatment is IV Acyclovir for 14-21 days. The most common method of administering IV medications is through temporary lines known as peripheral lines. These are temporary sites that are often placed in the hands or arms. After two doses of this medication my arm became red and irritated. These medications are so caustic that they literally burn your veins out. By the end of my 5 day stay I had a total of 4 sites that had been used. I was averaging about two and half doses of meds per a line. The site locations had become a variety of bruised colors including black, blue, and yellow.

From the date of admission the goal was to have a peripherally inserted central catheter or PICC line placed into my arm so I could receive this medication on an at home basis. A PICC is inserted in a peripheral vein, such as the cephalic vein, basilic vein, or brachial vein and then advanced through increasingly larger veins, until the tip rests in the distal superior vena cava or cavoatrial junction. That's a fancy way of saying it runs up my arm and hangs above my heart. For obvious reasons you may imagine why I was less than psyched to have this inserted into my arm. While it was presented to me as very common practice with little risk or complication something in me felt a bit weary.

On the day the PICC was placed I had black and blues all over my arms from the temporary lines. I knew from having the PICC placed that this would eliminate any further damage to my arms. Additionally you do not feel the burning sensation from the meds as they enter the bloodstream as you do with the peripheral lines. A special PICC line nurse arrived to my room to do the procedure. This is all she does, PICC lines. Reassured that she has done this once or twice was helpful in alleviating some of my anticipation. The room was cleared and was made sterile with only my arm exposed. The rest of the procedure was a bit of a haze as I had my eyes closed. As for how she technically got that thing in there, unknown. However the sensations it created were very clear.

There was a bit of a snafu with the original entry site, which meant she had to try again. I lay as a child sitting in a car on a very long ride to grandma's house wondering if we were there yet. I could feel her literally threading something into my arm. It's an odd sensation. The whole process took about an hour. I was relieved that it was in and also that she was happy with her work. When we were done the nurse asked me, "How was it?". I replied, "Honestly, it was a bit traumatizing." I think she was a bit taken by my honesty. She had never had a PICC inserted into her.

Twenty four hours from the insertion of the line I am discharged and ready to self administer IV Acyclovir on an at home basis. Initially I am concerned with how I am going to be able to handle this. While I would much prefer to be at home, there was something comforting in knowing the nurses had a handle on all of this stuff. I find my mind running into all kinds of imagined places. When I get home I am greeted by a visiting nurse to help coach me with the home process. I jumped right into it and was relieved to see how simple it was. I was further relieved to have gained some perspective on my own situation. Perspective is a great tool that I continue to harness on this Journey for LIFE. Learning about what many people have to endure while these lines are part of them helped me see that my situation is quite manageable.

On this day I am writing day 16 I appear from a medical vantage to be responding well. This experience has forced me to adapt to a new regimen. The most prominent piece is staying consistent with taking my meds. I am required to take them every 8 hours, 3 x a day. Also having my arm taped up forces me to use my body in new ways. Simple tasks like taking a shower become a more involved process but leave me with a sense of appreciation for this situations impermanence. I see it as 4 weeks out of a long LIFE ahead of me. If I live to about 80 years that would be about 29,200 days on this worldly plane. To comply with change for 21 days is no sweat!

Often we deny change to struggle with it. This denial creates more discomfort in a situation that may already come with inherit discomforts. If I had chosen to invest all my mental energy in irrational behavior about my current circumstance I would have left myself open to another layer of suffering. When suffering, pain, and distress arise I try to remember what I have learned thus far on my journey. I call this the Art of Adaptation. Its an art because it requires a special skill set, one that is finely honed with the awareness of life experience.

Your life is forever in a state of flux, so how do you choose to respond to life's difficulties? It is when we get hit with big change in one of the major aspects of our life that we can truly step back, observe and listen to the pain. When you reach beyond its hard external shell you can find the healing. Conflict arises when we attempt to create some sort of homogenized existence. Our culture is great at teaching us this. Most of us have learned this way of being all of our lives. It is acceptance of the moment rather than resistance of the moment. It is an innate understanding that you and I are completely cared for outside of the places the social mind might dwell.

Tragedy to Transcendance

It is fair to say that I have learned much from having Yoga as an integral part of my life. Yoga teaches us many things about living in the world. It is a practice that is used to shape our way of being in the world. Yoga is often misunderstood simply for its physical benefits, which are none the less still part of our being. However, beyond the scope of our external space lies a world of mystery deep with insight, wisdom, and knowledge.

We may often show up to a Yoga class and hear the teacher spout of impressive tricky foreign words. The associated language to modern day yoga is called Sanskrit. Sanskrit is one of the 22 official languages in India and is widely used as a ceremonial language in Hindu religious rituals. The pre-classical form of Sanskrit is known as Vedic Sanskrit with the language of the Rigveda (classical Hindu texts) being the oldest and most archaic stage preserved. Being that the practice of Hatha Yoga has strong roots in the ancient traditions of India's culture naturally many of it's concepts spill into today's modern way of understanding Yoga.

One such concept is called Pratyahara, which technically is Devangarian and not Sanskrit. Regardless, many of these concepts are subjective. It is my opinion that Pratyahara is the bridge between the external and internal states of being. Here the consciousness of the individual is internalized in order that the sensations from the senses of taste, touch, sight, hearing and smell don't reach their respective centers in the brain. This is why it is often simply referred to as a withdrawal of the senses. While this could open up a huge discussion I do not believe, like many Yoga concepts that Pratyahara is something you "do" so to speak, but rather is something you experience. It is simply a by product of being present in your experience.

This example begins on a beautiful Fall Sunday in October. I wake in the morning and pursue my morning rituals. As I leave the house I notice that my vision feels kind of not quite right. I do not feel any pain but rather a tension around my left eye. I also notice that the peripheral sight from the left eye is a bit clouded. I continue with my day and go about my business. These sensations continue throughout the day but I do not think much of it. I will wake in the morning and see how I feel.

Monday comes and I wake with this heavy eye and cloudy peripheral vision. I wonder about it but do not panic. As it would be, I have an appointment to see my Colitis doctor that afternoon. I arrive to his office and we have a positive productive meeting. I tell him about my eye and he expresses a great interest in having it looked at immediately. His vantage is mostly from the pharmaceutical aspect of having to be on corticosteroids and the havoc they can reek on the eyes. "OK" I think fair enough.

I am able to get myself into an appointment with someone on Tuesday. Please keep in mind I do not know this person, I have not had a chance to Google her, I do not know anything about her. Unfortunately that is how our health care system often works especially in emergency situations. So I roll with it. I arrive to her office and she takes a look at my eyes with her elaborate equipment. She tells me I have something called Uveitis. This is a general term that is used in medicine to describe inflammation of the eye. It can mean many things. There was a certain intensity about her that made me a bit uncomfortable. She expressed her interest in having me start a regimen of eye drops and to see her tomorrow wherein she could use a different high tech camera to have a more detailed look. I get back to my car after the 2 hour appointment and my head is totally spinning. I have a lot to process here and do not know what to make of it all. "Uveitis what the hell is that"? A million questions flood my stream of thought. I am overwhelmed and confused.

I reluctantly arrive to her office on Wednesday morning to have a fluorescein angiogram. Basically that is a fancy way of saying lets shoot some dye into you so you glow. The doctor gets her images and I interpret a tone of distress in her voice. She has explained to me that what she saw yesterday has spread by about 20% and is now in my retina. Now it is called Retinitis. She further went onto explain that the pattern of how this is progressing could be a rare condition of the eye know as ARN, Acute Retinal Necrosis. She informs me that these types of conditions spread rapidly and cause permanent vision loss and blindness in a matter of days! They also have the potential to lead to a host of other devastating complications, as if blindness is not enough, and can spread bilaterally (to the other eye). I leave another 2 plus hour doctors appointment and begin taking the drops. She wants to see me tomorrow.

Thursday comes and I rise to a new day. I still feel a similar sensation around my left eye. My wife and I go to the appointment and we meet the doctor's fellow. They are both on my case and very concerned. They inform me that they may see 1-3 cases of this a year and this type of condition may effect 1 in 4,000 people. The literature on it is sparse at best and the treatments compliment that. We take another photo to discover tiny lesions that are creeping toward my central vision. This is the vision that we use for reading, driving, computer work etc. This progression can cause retinal detachment and or complete blindness. As you imagined, so not fun. They explain my treatment options, as you imagine, so not fun. Injection to the eye with a powerful anti-viral medication has shown to alleviate spreading of lesions and may be useful. Yes, you heard me correctly, a needle in your eye. Now imagine it's you or a loved one sitting in that chair. They also suggest that intravenous anti-viral medication would work systemically to potentially alleviate spreading of the condition to the right eye. Oral meds were an option but are fairly new and there is not enough "data" that suggest that this would be as effective a therapy. What would you do? I will say honestly, even in the scope of the severity, it has not been so black and white for me. In the end I realized this is more about being a responsible person and acute situations require acute types of therapy.

My journey continues and I am sitting in this chair again on Friday. This time I have an overnight bag. I am preparing for all scenarios. They take another photo and find no improvement. After having some time for myself to process all of this I agree to intravitreal injection, a needle in the eye. I must tell you in hind sight that the most daunting part of the first one was the anticipation. They numb you up all good and it is rather quick. It is more uncomfortable than painful. By the third one however that has all changed.

Several days pass and I have been admitted to the hospital to receive IV Acyclovir, a powerful caustic medication that is used to destroy virus and probably many other things in the body. I am siting in this chair that I know all too well. My wife, my beautiful wife could share her own experience of this whole calamity, sits by my side. I anticipate the whole injection process in my mind. They drop iodine in my eye to keep the area sterile. If you have ever had iodine dropped in your eye you know it burns like hell. I am exhausted, lifeless, sitting in this chair. My eyes close, my wife clenches my hand tightly. I go off somewhere, I don't know where, but away from here. It's like the whole world drops away and I plunge into this beautiful innate stillness. This profound palpable silence. I listen and hear. Angels. Light beings. They do not say anything particular, but there presence is known. They remind me, nurture me and guide me. In that moment I deeply surrendered my life, my vision, this outcome to the greatness that is inside me.

I did not attempt to access this experience. It happened as a grace from the universe. It happened as a by product of my letting go and letting in, a complete surrender. It was a natural withdrawal of the external that linked to the depth of the internal. It was a taste of what the ancients may refer to as Pratyahara, retraction of the senses. In that moment I was one in the world but not of it. It was an experience that I feel deeply touched by and has helped coach me through this challenging time with my health. While I do not attempt to consciously return to that state I often use that experience as a cue. When my mind gets hectic and overwhelmed I remember that I am taken care of always though tragedy and transcendence.

What is a Journey for LIFE?

Let's start with LIFE. This is an acronym I developed that stands for Living In Full Expression. It suggests that we move out of our old paradigms of thinking, being, and doing and become what we want to become, the extraordinary human beings that we are. The path in getting there varies but ultimately the end result is always the same. I call it a journey because that's what it is. It's an exploration. A study. An examination. A deeper look within. I call it a Journey for LIFE as the meaning is two fold. In literary terms it's a double attend-re.

First, it suggests that we are on some sort of exploratory path to find our purpose, our role here. Second, the title suggests that we will be on this path until we take our last waking breath, for as long as we live in these bodies, for life. Ultimately it is a code for successful living. Living that allows you all that you deserve and all that you desire. It is a conviction that the life you currently experience is only an extension of the thoughts and actions that support it.

I'll be honest with you this is no easy task. In fact, in the beginning it can be quite daunting. Some people get tuned into it right away, while others like myself have to work very hard at. It becomes a practice and practice is how you get good at it. All we need is one little blip of a taste to believe. This I can say is real. The great mystery is how to sustain it. Life will throw you some curve balls. Think of these as learning curves, opportunities to grow and expand. Grow and thrive from your suffering that is what it is here for.

About This Blog

A series of events has lead you to exactly where you are in the moment. Funny you ended up here! What lead you here? Where will it lead you from here? Somehow it is that you have arrived to this blog. This blog is about my life and how it is I've arrived to where I am today, telling my story to you and anyone who may be interested. My story is primarily inspired by living with chronic disease for close to half of my life. Living with Ulcerative Colits has shaped and molded much of the way I think, feel, and experience. What I have learned is that the way I think about this disease is often based on old programs that have been embedded into the hard-wiring of my brain. What do I mean? For example, my doctors, family members, and peers are convinced they know the outcome of my situation based on something that maybe they heard or based on someone else's experience. Does that mean the same will be true for me?

One thing I can say in my experience is that healing is a multi-faceted process. In 15 years I have been exposed to quite a bit of information on the topic of health and healing. I look forward to sharing what I have learned and how it may potentially help you too. Be patient. Healing is a process. One thing to remember, and this is very important. Do not become fooled by over zealous, dogmatic people. We all have our own bio-individual and bio-chemical makeup. We are intrinsically designed to respond as individuals. If something makes sense to you then trust in it. What heals or cures one person may be less than ideal for another. I only offer you suggestions and ideas. Some of these things have had positive results for me, others not so much. That doesn't mean that it may not help you. I simply encourage you to explore and experiment. When you think you've done everything, you've done nothing. When you think you know everything, you know nothing. We are always students of LIFE.

My goal with these vignettes is to offer encouragement, hope, inspiration, and a desire to not give up. Occasionally I may even throw in some personal motifs outside the realm of health and healing, just for fun. Ultimately, If I can reach just one person with this message than I consider myself successful. So thanks for tuning in and being a part of A Journey for LIFE.

My LIFE begins

Here I am. It's Monday. I have been on bed rest for the past 16 days. It is one of those rare perfect New England days. We only get a handful of em' in these parts. If you live in New England you know exactly what I'm talking about. Today is filled with bright clear skies, dry crisp air and a palpable energy in the air. It's something that can not be described with words but something that you can feel. It's like the joy in the simplicity of being alive, to feel LIFE. It's a perfect day. And for me it is also served as a brilliant reminder. You see for the past 16 days I have been on bed rest. Let me explain.

The story begins in 1993. I was your average 16 year old engrossed with a fairly carefree adolescent life. You know, all the normal things. For example, girls, getting my drivers license, what I am going to do with my weekend, getting the hell out of high school, girls (did I say that already). Oh yeah and of course always being told what is best for me from various authority figures. When your 16 you know everything anyway, so I was quite efficient with ignoring suggestions of my elders. Yeah it was all good, relatively speaking. I mean a lot of my friends came from broken families who rarely got any quality time with their parents. This is something I took for granted as a teenager but quickly appreciated when I entered college. I came from a loving family and have fond memories of my parents spending lots of time with me. At times I found some of their parenting tactics a bit overwhelming, but I suppose this is also normal in the mind of a child.

I am just about to celebrate my 17th birthday. The weather is similar to how I recently described, near perfect! I am high on life enjoying my freedom from any qualifying grown up responsibility. I have just returned home from spending time with friends after school and I'm not talking about the French club here. I was a bit rebellious in my youth, actually I still am to some degree. I enjoyed a severe displeasure for high school and everything that was associated to it. I never attended any traditional high school events like football games, rallies, or prom for that matter. It was the time of Kurt Cobain and the rise of Pearl Jam. It was the time of censorship on musical expression and gangster rap. It was the time of what my dad likes to call my potato sack pants (huge baggy pants with wide bottoms that hide your feet). Raving was popular and so was all the culture it embodied. While I would never deem myself a full on club kid, I did hang with people who enjoyed its way of life. As a subset to this culture I discovered many things that were way outside the box of what good little Jewish boys who grow up in middle class white suburban neighborhoods should do. Amongst them was something that would change my life forever, graffiti art. I could fill volumes on the topic of graffiti art and its culture and maybe at some point I will. After all it has played a dominating role in shaping my life beginning with the turn of my 17th birthday.

I would wake up in the morning get out of bed highly congested and begin my morning ritual. This usually involved a quick shower, styling my hair (yes I once had hair and I was quite vain about it), sorting out my wardrobe (I always had to wear the best sneakers) and grabbing some breakfast. A typical morning consisted of some sort of cold cereal like Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Kellog's Corn Pops swimming in Garelick Farms 2% cow's milk. Along with my Sara Lee bagel smeared with margarine and flavored high fructose corn syrup or what they called jelly. You get the idea, I hope! If you don't that will be another conversation. The best part was getting to school if I actually got there in time and hitting the caf for a package of Hostess donut gems. Needless to say this was all I knew at the time. I just thought everybody else is eating that so I guess that is what I eat too.Time prevailed and what I perceived as normal morning congestion and intermittent bowel movements was the regular. One day while I was in the loo I noticed something unusual. I wasn't quite sure but it didn't look normal. So I ignored it and didn't mention it to my parents. Within a matter of days what I perceived as unusual was quickly confirmed.

I mentioned to my parents that I thought I saw blood in the toilet. As any caring parent would do, they became deeply concerned. We made an appointment with the head of the GI (gastroenterology) dept. at our local hospital. My parents and I both felt confident that we were seeing the "best". So no problem, we'll just go check it out, its probably nothing anyway. They squeeze us in for an appointment and I arrive reluctantly. We talk to the doctor for a while and he believes I show symptoms of something called Ulcerative Proctitis. He suggests I go on medication to alleviate any bleeding from the colon. Sounds good to me! Or so I thought. The drug he wrote a prescription for was called sulfasalazine. It is designed to reduce inflammation of the large intestine. On the car ride home my mother became hysterical from the news. I on the other hand did not really think much of it. I figure I take the drugs it goes way end of story, right? As a 16 year old who has all the answers I have never been more wrong in my life. In a matter of days I was running to the loo anywhere from 12-20 times a day. I could not digest anything. My skin turned gray. I became very weak and could barely get out of bed. I lost 20 pounds and had a severe allergic reaction to the sulfasalzine to boot! I was lying in bed with a 103 temperature, weak, confused, sweating, hallucinating and with gut wrenching pain. And this was only the beginning.

Does this sound familiar? If you suffer from UC or Crohn's you probably have a similar story, just with a little bit of your own twist. I could fill volumes on the symptoms I endured from the Colitis (later it was confirmed that most of my intestine was infected) and the side effects of every possible pharmaceutical cocktail I agreed to take in periods of active disease. I could tell you all about the 3 lengthy hospital stays that I encountered in the first few years of my experience with this disease and how I became traumatized by these stays. I could tell you about the mental programming that unfolds from the medical community and the media with people who suffer ANY life threatening or chronic illness, but that is not my real interest.

From the time I was first diagnosed with this illness at age 17 I realized that UC has been a great gift. Regardless that I am 32 years old now and am currently in a struggle with an acute flare. The past several months (8 months or so) I was sure that my health was finally in check. I was off all meds, was in the best physical shape of my life, and my mind felt as sharp as a razor blade. One thing that I have learned on this journey is that if you think you have done everything, you have done nothing! This became clearly evident when just a month ago or so I discovered the Specific Carbohydrate Diet. I am currently experimenting with this and will keep you posted on my experience. By my own choosing, since I have been diagnosed with this disease, I have always been very conscious about what I put into my body. Needless to say I didn't freak out when I learned that I would not be able to eat many popular foods from today's modern diet (which is actually a good thing). I see it like the last 15 years of dietary consideration was just training for the Specific Carbohydrate Diet.

So that is what I am taking away from this bout of colitis. No matter how much you feel like shit, there is always room to learn more, even if you have been fortunate to have found something that works well for you. The journey does not end there. Quantum Physics suggests that we create our own reality. If you feel miserable and continue to talk about how miserable you feel then you continue to feed the thread of misery. So rather than focusing all of your mental energy on disease by shifting your attention to health and healing you create a profoundly different result. Our emotions are a powerful force to our health and especially our healing. If you are doubtful that you will ever heal, well I am sorry I have some disappointing news for you, you won't. I was convinced by this when I was 20 and a doctor told me that I will have to live on medication for the rest of my life or have a surgery. While I know some people have had great results with surgery and some people are o.k. living on meds, that's not for me. I haven't found the solution yet but I don't give up and I keeping moving forward exploring, experimenting, searching for the right combination. After all this is my life and its worth it, and so are you.