Tragedy to Transcendance

It is fair to say that I have learned much from having Yoga as an integral part of my life. Yoga teaches us many things about living in the world. It is a practice that is used to shape our way of being in the world. Yoga is often misunderstood simply for its physical benefits, which are none the less still part of our being. However, beyond the scope of our external space lies a world of mystery deep with insight, wisdom, and knowledge.

We may often show up to a Yoga class and hear the teacher spout of impressive tricky foreign words. The associated language to modern day yoga is called Sanskrit. Sanskrit is one of the 22 official languages in India and is widely used as a ceremonial language in Hindu religious rituals. The pre-classical form of Sanskrit is known as Vedic Sanskrit with the language of the Rigveda (classical Hindu texts) being the oldest and most archaic stage preserved. Being that the practice of Hatha Yoga has strong roots in the ancient traditions of India's culture naturally many of it's concepts spill into today's modern way of understanding Yoga.

One such concept is called Pratyahara, which technically is Devangarian and not Sanskrit. Regardless, many of these concepts are subjective. It is my opinion that Pratyahara is the bridge between the external and internal states of being. Here the consciousness of the individual is internalized in order that the sensations from the senses of taste, touch, sight, hearing and smell don't reach their respective centers in the brain. This is why it is often simply referred to as a withdrawal of the senses. While this could open up a huge discussion I do not believe, like many Yoga concepts that Pratyahara is something you "do" so to speak, but rather is something you experience. It is simply a by product of being present in your experience.

This example begins on a beautiful Fall Sunday in October. I wake in the morning and pursue my morning rituals. As I leave the house I notice that my vision feels kind of not quite right. I do not feel any pain but rather a tension around my left eye. I also notice that the peripheral sight from the left eye is a bit clouded. I continue with my day and go about my business. These sensations continue throughout the day but I do not think much of it. I will wake in the morning and see how I feel.

Monday comes and I wake with this heavy eye and cloudy peripheral vision. I wonder about it but do not panic. As it would be, I have an appointment to see my Colitis doctor that afternoon. I arrive to his office and we have a positive productive meeting. I tell him about my eye and he expresses a great interest in having it looked at immediately. His vantage is mostly from the pharmaceutical aspect of having to be on corticosteroids and the havoc they can reek on the eyes. "OK" I think fair enough.

I am able to get myself into an appointment with someone on Tuesday. Please keep in mind I do not know this person, I have not had a chance to Google her, I do not know anything about her. Unfortunately that is how our health care system often works especially in emergency situations. So I roll with it. I arrive to her office and she takes a look at my eyes with her elaborate equipment. She tells me I have something called Uveitis. This is a general term that is used in medicine to describe inflammation of the eye. It can mean many things. There was a certain intensity about her that made me a bit uncomfortable. She expressed her interest in having me start a regimen of eye drops and to see her tomorrow wherein she could use a different high tech camera to have a more detailed look. I get back to my car after the 2 hour appointment and my head is totally spinning. I have a lot to process here and do not know what to make of it all. "Uveitis what the hell is that"? A million questions flood my stream of thought. I am overwhelmed and confused.

I reluctantly arrive to her office on Wednesday morning to have a fluorescein angiogram. Basically that is a fancy way of saying lets shoot some dye into you so you glow. The doctor gets her images and I interpret a tone of distress in her voice. She has explained to me that what she saw yesterday has spread by about 20% and is now in my retina. Now it is called Retinitis. She further went onto explain that the pattern of how this is progressing could be a rare condition of the eye know as ARN, Acute Retinal Necrosis. She informs me that these types of conditions spread rapidly and cause permanent vision loss and blindness in a matter of days! They also have the potential to lead to a host of other devastating complications, as if blindness is not enough, and can spread bilaterally (to the other eye). I leave another 2 plus hour doctors appointment and begin taking the drops. She wants to see me tomorrow.

Thursday comes and I rise to a new day. I still feel a similar sensation around my left eye. My wife and I go to the appointment and we meet the doctor's fellow. They are both on my case and very concerned. They inform me that they may see 1-3 cases of this a year and this type of condition may effect 1 in 4,000 people. The literature on it is sparse at best and the treatments compliment that. We take another photo to discover tiny lesions that are creeping toward my central vision. This is the vision that we use for reading, driving, computer work etc. This progression can cause retinal detachment and or complete blindness. As you imagined, so not fun. They explain my treatment options, as you imagine, so not fun. Injection to the eye with a powerful anti-viral medication has shown to alleviate spreading of lesions and may be useful. Yes, you heard me correctly, a needle in your eye. Now imagine it's you or a loved one sitting in that chair. They also suggest that intravenous anti-viral medication would work systemically to potentially alleviate spreading of the condition to the right eye. Oral meds were an option but are fairly new and there is not enough "data" that suggest that this would be as effective a therapy. What would you do? I will say honestly, even in the scope of the severity, it has not been so black and white for me. In the end I realized this is more about being a responsible person and acute situations require acute types of therapy.

My journey continues and I am sitting in this chair again on Friday. This time I have an overnight bag. I am preparing for all scenarios. They take another photo and find no improvement. After having some time for myself to process all of this I agree to intravitreal injection, a needle in the eye. I must tell you in hind sight that the most daunting part of the first one was the anticipation. They numb you up all good and it is rather quick. It is more uncomfortable than painful. By the third one however that has all changed.

Several days pass and I have been admitted to the hospital to receive IV Acyclovir, a powerful caustic medication that is used to destroy virus and probably many other things in the body. I am siting in this chair that I know all too well. My wife, my beautiful wife could share her own experience of this whole calamity, sits by my side. I anticipate the whole injection process in my mind. They drop iodine in my eye to keep the area sterile. If you have ever had iodine dropped in your eye you know it burns like hell. I am exhausted, lifeless, sitting in this chair. My eyes close, my wife clenches my hand tightly. I go off somewhere, I don't know where, but away from here. It's like the whole world drops away and I plunge into this beautiful innate stillness. This profound palpable silence. I listen and hear. Angels. Light beings. They do not say anything particular, but there presence is known. They remind me, nurture me and guide me. In that moment I deeply surrendered my life, my vision, this outcome to the greatness that is inside me.

I did not attempt to access this experience. It happened as a grace from the universe. It happened as a by product of my letting go and letting in, a complete surrender. It was a natural withdrawal of the external that linked to the depth of the internal. It was a taste of what the ancients may refer to as Pratyahara, retraction of the senses. In that moment I was one in the world but not of it. It was an experience that I feel deeply touched by and has helped coach me through this challenging time with my health. While I do not attempt to consciously return to that state I often use that experience as a cue. When my mind gets hectic and overwhelmed I remember that I am taken care of always though tragedy and transcendence.